Today Emily concludes a 31 day series on hush. It’s so good y’all, and you know what? She practices it. She should get a gold medal in curious listening.
Over my mahi mahi and her Greek style pizza, Emily asks me below-the-surface questions about family and callings. After the third or fourth one, I tell her I’m not used to answering these kinds of questions because I’m usually the one asking them. I slow down and listen to my heart before speaking, but my answers still spill out all rambly. I haven’t practiced this.
It takes a different kind of hush to answer deep questions. For me to say the private things out loud, I must quiet the inner voice that says my story and experiences don’t matter. This doesn’t come natural to me. Unless you ask, I won’t easily volunteer my own stuff. Inner Kristen still fights to brush off the tender parts with an easy “fine.” Partly because I think my story isn’t newsworthy, partly because I think your story is, and partly because it’s less risky to do so. I know that sounds loco for the writer of a blog like mine. I share heart things here, but there’s always deeper places to travel. Our hearts are like the Old Testament tabernacle. Parts are for many at the entrance. Parts are a more holy place where safe people may cross the threshold. And still parts are for just you and God alone, a holy of holies.
When someone makes space in their conversation to ask how you’re doing really, you have the choice to remain hidden or come out in the open. When the person looks you in the eye and lets you know she is safe, it feels good to choose wide open spaces beyond the entrance, even if this risks tearing up or the ugly cry.
Jesus wasn’t into small talk, He was interested in the heart of everything. So we don’t only practice being good listeners, but we practice being good talkers, too. We get comfortable asking and answering the right questions and knowing when not to.
Do you struggle with sharing answers to below-the-surface questions? Is it easier for you to listen to others or listen to yourself?
I feel exactly like this. Add to it the fact that I’m the one everyone chooses to confide in, and I just don’t get asked those questions–and when I do on the rare occasions, I am afraid to answer. Because I’m the listener. The confidante. The one who has it all together……
Oh girl, as a Pastor’s wife in the military community. I imagine you get this in a double dose. So tough. I’m praying God grants us wisdom on how not to be afraid to answer *and* dots our path with people who don’t mind asking. Love you!
I find it extremely difficult to voice my heart. I find it incredibly easy to pen my heart. I would always rather listen than share, in verbal conversations. I love listening and sharing in written word. Go figure. I am nuts and have never figured myself out. Whatever. 🙂
I’m right. there. with. you, sweet Brenda!
In many ways, I appear to be an open book, and I can be when I’m comfortable. But I do hide behind an “I’m fine!” more often than not. I’ve been learning to be more vulnerable in person (I can be good at it in writing), to be honest. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s just not.
I’d agree it’s definitely easier to be vulnerable in writing. At least it is for me. Working on the in person part as well!
Oh girl, you have no idea what goes on this head and heart of mine. Actually, it sounds like you do have an idea – like maybe you know just exactly what this heart of mine struggles with. I appreciate your words, Kristen. Always.
Thank you so much, Jamie, for being a safe place and assuring me I’m not alone. Love you!
“When the person looks you in the eye and lets you know she is safe, it feels good to choose wide open spaces beyond the entrance, even if this risks tearing up or the ugly cry…” Oh my. This. May I be the kind of friend who cares and inquires and risks to go deep and connect and opens up my heart to another…it is SO worth the risk of that ugly cry. This post refreshed my heart…thank you friend.
It’s hard to be real sometimes even with the closest of friends. Lately God has been making my heart more tender and at unexpected times, unannounced I can feel the tears, warm and foreign to cheeks wet. We who were condtioned to be quiet and hold in the feelings struggle when feelings come. It is a healing thing. It is good but also very hard.
Found you over at Holley’s today…Appreciate your thoughts. Your story absolutely matters! I hope and pray I listen well to others…and to myself too. We can learn so much by paying attention to our own words to ourselves!!
That lunch was such a gift to me. Thanks for your kind words and just thanks for you.
I love you.
I absolutely love asking the deeper questions and I like it when someone asks me below the surface questions too. It can take me a while to get to the answer. It’s the downside of being a verbal processor. Occasionally I lose them before I can formulate the answer!
I am the same way, in conversation I would rather be listening to the other person than sharing about myself. I think it stems from me thinking that my story isn’t as interesting or that I’m intimidated to open up or be judged based on what I say. I often reflect the conversation immediately back to the other person instead of letting that person minister to me. Thank you for posting about this, I will take it to heart!!
Oh goodness Maura, you too? Asks a fellow conversation deflector. {smile} May we all believe our story *is* interesting because God’s fingerprints are all over it and nothing He does is ordinary. Thankful for you, Maura!
This post is just delicious. Thanks for actually saying what so many think but are afraid to address.
I hear you, friend. I often ask such questions and then am surprised (still) when they boomerang right back to me because – imagine this – my friends care just as much about me as I do about them. And then I hem and haw, kicking myself for not anticipating it. My answer never seems as eloquent as it should be, because I’m an internal processor that way and sometimes the words need to be written before they make any coherent sense in my brain 🙂 Thank goodness for friends who let me ramble until I reach my point…and sometimes don’t, in which cases *they* root around in the jumble until they find what I was trying to say.
I love, too, that you’ve tied this to Emily’s pursuit of a hushed soul. I never thought about this frame. There are indeed “always deeper places to travel”, and I wish you many avenues to get to those places. May we learn how to value our stories, too!
<3
I sometimes think that we are the same person Kristen! That is TOTALLY the way that I think! I would rather do the listening, praying & giving advice. Most people are okay with that b/c they like to talk about themselves. I am very much a loner by nature so disclosure is something that I struggle with. I am never the first one to volunteer the below the surface information. I usually wait for a question & then I will disclose my stuff. I just often times think people aren’t necessarily interested in my story. I’m getting better at sharing. God keeps dropping community into my life that want to go deep fast. I think I secretly long for that too. SO grateful for you and all the MANY ways that God used you in my life. I LOVE you!!!!!!
I love that you talked about this. I both struggle and LOVE this way of conversing all at the same time. I search for it and yet I am scared of it. Allume and places with masses of people are hard for me because I want to get beyond the masks and take the time with just a few and yet I wonder if I am “missing something” by not trying to meet more people. It is a delicate balance for this extrovert. The Lord took me to that deeper place this last conference in connecting with fewer but really going deep. And in the long run…I am thankful for that…after all..we all want to be known, right?
Love you, girl!
I came across your post today and just had to share with others on my blog. It is so much easier to remain hidden and not share yourself and your story with others, but it is so important to put ourselves out there and really lean on a friend when we need to. Thanks for the post and the reminder.
http://treasuringthejourney.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/for-your-reading-pleasure-2/