Author Elizabeth Stone wrote that being a parent is “…to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” As a mama to three beloved older children myself, I say, Amen, Elizabeth. Certainly, parenting often feels like that.
And if you’re a tender-hearted gal like I am, it can feel like your heart is more exposed than the average person’s whether you have children or not. I feel things acutely, and in the process, my heart can get banged up and bruised as it bumps into the hard stuff of humanity.
This tender-hearted tendency is part of what makes me an Enneagram Two. Typically, Enneagram Two’s are empathetic and friendly. My currency is relationships – -family and friendships. When my important relationships are in good shape, I’m in good shape. If they’re not, then I’m not. One positive of an Enneagram Two like me is I love to help you in any way you need. One negative is that I love to help you in any way you might not need or want. Heh. Sometimes, I’m a bit too hands-on.
Generally speaking, this desire to help still serves other people and myself well. But from time to time, it does not.
For example, one way this inclination to “over help” has shown itself is in my friendships, particularly at the beginning of a potential new one. I will reach out to the other person, inviting her to do this or that. I may text her fairly regularly to ask how she and her family are doing. That’s well and good when the other person is interested in forming a friendship with me. But if she’s not, that becomes apparent through her lack of reciprocation.
But instead of seeing the situation as it is, I’ve been known to double down by reaching out to her more often.
In short, I’ll begin doing the work for both of us.
Now, that’s not to say that persistence doesn’t pay off from time to time. Perhaps the other person isn’t reaching out because she doesn’t think to, is busy, or is shy, rather than because she’s not really interested in a friendship with me.
In a long-held friendship, I may spend more time reaching out to another friend than she is to me if that friend is going through a particularly difficult time. When someone’s life is in triage, it’s certainly good to check in on her more than you might normally. It’s good to let her have the floor more often to share about what she’s going through. Seasoned friendships call for periods when the scales of give and take are lopsided.
But whether a friendship is one you’ve had for a while or is just getting off the ground, it shouldn’t always be lopsided. And if it is, then more often than not, you and I need to read the writing on the wall and accept that this friendship probably isn’t meant to be.
But I tell you, this is sometimes easier said than done for my Enneagram Two heart that sits just under my skin. Concerning this, I used to say things to myself like, “I’m not giving up on her! I need to try harder!” But the blessing of being 49 and having a good deal of maturity at this point in life is understanding that sometimes, giving up is exactly the right thing to do.
Read the rest of “When You’re Doing the Work of Two People in a Friendship” here.
Also, listen to it in podcast form here.
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