I speed-walked down the hallway at church, late for a steering committee meeting for our church mom’s group.
And that’s when the gal caught me in her crosshairs and asked me for the sixth or seventh time,
“Hey Kristen, did you decide if you’d like to join the Bible study I’m hosting next month?”
I wanted to be annoyed at her persistence, but in all fairness, she’d asked for the sixth or seventh time because I’d told her five or six times I’d think about it. I pondered her phrasing…like to join the Bible study? Well, yes, I’d definitely like to. The problem was that my schedule already bulged at the seams. Like a bookshelf crammed with books, I knew I didn’t had room to shoehorn one more thing onto it.
At the same time, I knew this gal wanted more folks to join her study. Another thought snaked through my mind: Kristen, you should be doing Bible study, so you should fit it into your schedule.
Finally, my inner critic won out. I answered with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, “Oh yeah…sure! Count me in!”
After she relayed the details to me, I told her I looked forward to seeing her there, Then, I headed toward my meeting, taking note of my slumped shoulders. That year, my husband was gone more than he was home. With three young children and several volunteer responsibilities, I knew then and there I’d made the wrong decision about the study.
My continual hesitation about joining–and my shoulder slump that followed my yes to joining–were the outward signs of what the Holy Spirit spoke to me on the inside: Kristen, ignore that wretched inner critic and listen to Me. My direction lightens loads, hence why You know this should be a no from you.
Instead, while my heart said no, my mouth said yes.
I’ve always loved Matthew 5:37 that says, “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” In context, this verse is one where Jesus instructs us to not swear falsely, to say we’re going to do something and then not do it. My three adult kids would tell you that in their growing up years, they heard this verse a thousand times. When a brother, for example, promises early in the day to play with his sister and then tries to get out of it later in the day, he’s behaving as if his yes is really a no.
I certainly want to be one who follows through on what I say I’m going to do for others. But I also realized that regarding this Bible study, I was behaving like my no was a yes. I appreciate it when other people interact honestly with me regarding what they are and aren’t able to do, so why wouldn’t I do the same with myself for myself?
I know exactly why. In this case, a yes eased my uncomfortable feelings about not wanting to disappoint the host.
Not long ago, my pastor’s wife, Karen, said, “Jesus disappointed people.” Her words tasted like crisp, cool relief as the reality of that statement settled in my heart. You see, if I rack ‘n stack all the reasons why I struggle to say no, the fact that I hate disappointing people would be at the tippy top of the list. I didn’t want to disappoint the kind woman leading that Bible study then, and I’ve hated disappointing (or the idea of disappointing) a hundred women since. And yet, the reality is that if Jesus disappointed people, which He certainly did, then lowly Kristen will disappoint people, too.
I needed to be comfortable with the idea that disappointing people is not only unavoidable, it’s often the right yes. It’s not a sign that the one doing the disappointing is wrong. If I’m doing what the Holy Spirit genuinely calls me to do, then it’s important to walk that decision through, come what may.
Read the rest at my second online writing home!
Listen to it in podcast format here.
Need more encouragement for when disappointment sits closely? Here’s an article from the archives.
Leave a Reply