She climbs, hangs, dancings, moves all the time. The ground is overrated, too boring. The higher she can get, the better. There she is content and smiling, comfortable in her skin.
I watch her walk all light and confident on the railing near the Air Force Academy Cadet Chapel, and I wish my heart felt as light. But it doesn’t; it’s weighed down with fresh regret over an old problem. A couple of years ago, I chose to handle a difficult situation a certain way, and while I thought I handled it correctly, time and perspective have shown me I could have done better. Much better.
I’ve been hanging on to the What was I thinking? from my poor choice for sometime. And while I’m not afraid to apologize to parties involved and kickstart a fresh start, the nature of this problem prevents me from hashing it out with anyone but God.
I ask for His forgiveness and believe I’m forgiven, but this is one of those times I struggle with confidently moving forward like I really know I’m forgiven. I want to hang back, tuck myself in a corner, and beat myself up in a mental tug-of war. Why didn’t I handle this better in the first place? And why am I still fretting about it two stinkin’ years later?
“…set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1 Peter 1:13
Yes, I will ultimately set my hope on grace given me when Christ returns to earth. But Jesus is also looking to reveal Himself in our everyday moments now, including the moments we’d rather forget. When I frame this hope around my own poor choice, I see that forgiving myself – and receiving His grace and deliverance – acknowledges Him. Acknowledging Him lightens my load because it requires me to look completely to Him.
When guilt and regret weigh down my heart, there’s only one thing to do: Turn outward and not inward by setting my hope fully on His grace.
I have a choice. Place my hope in flighty-as-the-wind feelings and self, or place my hope in the One who doesn’t change like shifting shadows. There’s really no way to place my hope in both; it must be one or the other. May we all walk taller and lighter because we choose Him fully.
First photo outside the Air Force Academy Cadet Chapel, second photo inside the chapel.
This really spoke to me Kristen. I am still beating myself up with guilt and shame over an issue that happened over 3 years ago. I was struggling with a deep, dark depression at the time so of course my choices were all wrong. Just when I think I have gotten over it, it rears it’s ugly head again. This morning I had this crazy idea on my way to work of stopping my car, jumping out, and dancing on the street corner like a mad woman as a means to let out all of this pent up crazy negative energy that has burrowed deep in my heart. Did I do it? No, but one of these days I may….
I may join you, Christina! xo
Maybe we can make it a link up party. A bunch of women dancing like mad women in public places and posting the videos to youtube. Like a crazy women flash mob. LOL. Maybe I’m crazy enough to get it started, but it will sure embarrass my 14 year old daughter.
Love, Love, Love:) Best Sister and Friend anyone could ever ask for-so proud that I have you and Sara as Sisters!! Love you lots:)
Love you too baby sister!
Love the picture inside the chapel. It is such an amazing place. Timely post as well as I keep replaying conversations of the past week and dwelling on them as well as the usual things of 20 years or more ago that tend to keep poking up their ugly heads at the most unexpected times…long after I am sure I’ve dealt with them.
I hate that feeling that shows up when I think I have a problem licked and then discover I do not. {Sigh} I need these reminders more than anyone!
Love you friend!
First of all, I seriously had forgotten how beautiful the AFA academy chapel is…. And love that picture of Faith on the rail.
What I told you privately last night by message, i will say again: How very proud of you I am Kristen! Loved the article itself and
you write with a style that is eloquent andvery unique. I envy your writing ability fave (1of3) niece! Love you!
This is such a neat message to read this morning. I love having your words of wisdom as a young military spouse. It’s a blessing to follow along and learn from you.
Recently i’ve had a moment or should i say person that I wanted to forget because I caused some hurt to an already hurting person and I wanted to justify walking away and loving her from far off and this nudge in my heart remained to scoot all the closer to her. It seems everyone was walking away and God was nudging me closer and so I finally picked up the phone and called. She needed a friend, badly to come alongside and help carry the load. I don’t know how to describe it but to say God is incredible, and how Christ works in those moments and redeems what seems lost is beyond me! Reading this post was such a reminder of how he is at work, thank you for putting it down in words!
~Laura
Oh, dear Kristen, I know exactly how you’re feeling. Of course you’re not alone in this. Know that.
It’s so hard for me to let go of guilt. I recently read this devotion with my oldest daughter and it was titled “Not Guilty” …
At the end it said… *so forgive others, and forgive yourself.* I needed to hear that so badly. I hold tight to unnecessary guilt, or self-imposed guilt. A lot. It’s so freeing to be reminded that He died for it ALL. And I don’t need to live in that guilt! There is grace for a reason! No burden-dwelling, just freedom living. 😉
I love your hope-filled, encouraging writing voice, Kristen. It matches your real live self! Setting our hope FULLY on His grace…so much easier said than done! But oh, so good when we do :).
This is so beautifully said. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with your readers!