Conference season is in the air and on the calendar, and if you’re a writer or blogger attending one, you might find yourself looking at others and seeing what you are not…or rather, what you think you are not. And if you’re a writer or blogger not attending a conference, you might look through your computer screen and still feel small in all the wrong ways. And if you’re not a writer or blogger but a human breathing air, you’ve surely struggled with comparison stealing your confidence in one form or another.
Let me just tell you one thing: I get it, sister. I really do.
***
I move quickly towards the bathroom, the only place offering solitude in the whole house. I’ve managed genuine smiles all day while keeping the tears in, but I can’t do it anymore. I’m only walking but I breathe heavy as I shut the bathroom door. I clamp my hand to my mouth but the sobs come fast and hard and there’s nothing to do but let ‘em go.
“You are completely ridiculous,” I say to myself, exasperated. “Get a grip!”
And that’s when I hear the quiet knock accompanying a gentle, “Kristen? Are you okay?”
Oh heavens. There’s no hiding any longer.
The setting for my meltdown was Hilton Head, the place where I was spending a much-anticipated weekend with writers who’ve become genuine friends. Generally, I am very comfortable around other women, even women I don’t know. I move eager to begin conversations and listen to their stories. But sometimes, I do not trust that my own stories hold up to the same interest. So in this glorious beach house with windows from ceiling to floor, I feel like every writing and blogging insecurity jumped straight through my computer screen and stands in full view for all to see.
Now let me be clear: Nobody inside the beach house ever made me feel this way. Ever. But I don’t need anyone else to suggest I’m not up to par. I am my own worst critic, off and running with the enemy’s dreadful lies.
So when on this occasion I find myself in a room full of women who aren’t just good but excellent at what they do, I am overwhelmed by my own smallness, all that I am not.
I slowly open the bathroom door and see kind faces wrapped in concern. I smile weakly and the words just tumble out,
“I don’t belong here. I’m the biggest. mess. ever. and not a good enough writer.”
I mean it.
Arms and prayers find themselves around me and before long, a fresh perspective of who I am in Christ does too. But I’m not gonna lie: It’s a fight to keep my confidence.
I wonder if the same is true for you, if you’ve ever felt you didn’t belong or just weren’t good enough? You see the other women at your workplace or the moms at PTO and believe they have their act together while you fumble all ridiculous and small? Ya. Me too.
Feeling small isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. But when our mind travels from small street to the corner of Unworthy and Untalented, we have arrived in a dangerous part of town. We are small because of our great God, not because of great people. People are all the same in that we all need Jesus to bridge the miles between us and God. A smaller me leaves space for God to dish out his bigger, better plans for me. And wrapped in those tailor-made plans for each of us is an abundance of talent and smarts He graciously gives, all useful in His kingdom plans.
The other day, I read afresh Colossians 2:10,
“…and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.”
We have been given fullness in Christ. Today, we are already complete. We are worthy enough and talented enough and just plain enough. I repeat this to myself over and over and eventually the devil static fades into the distance. It is then I find confidence and security with where God has me today.
Just like you, I have heart desires and soul dreams I want to birth. Some may need to be laid to rest on altars while others spring to glorious life. Either way, I will rally behind His plans for me rather than raise a roadblock. If God is for me, who can be against me?
May it not be me.
(This post is an edited re-post.)
One small reminder: This coming Thursday is the last of the month, so that means it’s out of the blue Thursday! Won’t you linkup with us and share your stories of unique, tailor-made God surprises?
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I get this. I’m living there right now. Thank you for your encouraging words–and know that you’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your gift.
Thanks, Pattie, for this sweet comment and sharing your gifts, too.
Oh Kristen,
How I’d like to give you a big hug! You have been such an inspiration to me and I have often found myself saying how I wish I could write like you…with your flair and down home appeal. But, I am realizing that God has gifted me with my own unique style, but yes, the enemy gets in there and tries to tell me that my style stinks. He gets hold of all of us, I believe, at different times because he would like nothing more than to have us be paralyzed by our feelings of unworthiness. You are worthy and you are wonderful and you have so much to say in such a wonderful way. Tell the creep to get lost and write your heart out!! I try to remind myself that I am writing to an audience of One and if anyone else happens to read it, well then that is a praise. Take heart, you are NOT alone…been there.
With love and blessings,
Bev
Your comments are always like a warm hug, Bev. Thank you, friend. Your kindness matters more than you’ll ever know.
We are small because of our great God, not because of great people.<—- This is exactly what I needed to hear today, and everyday really. I I fight that same sense of being a total poser (my insecurity) when in the presence of even a couple of those precious gals. It's amazing how I will overlook that fact that I was made to be me and not someone else – and that "she" may feel the same in any other situation. Bless you for calling it out and laying it open to the light. By the way, you are a pretty doggone amazing writer! You words speak to me in a way that many others just don't. Our ears tune differently to different voices. Can I add that I'm pretty bummed I won't be seeing your face at one of those upcoming conferences. 😉
Yes and amen to your whole beautiful comment, Amy.
And thank you for your kind words.
No Allume for you this year, Amy? The loss is ours. Truly.
I’ll be there – missing you! Unless of course you are going and i heard wrong. 🙂 If not, another time! One of my best friends just moved out your way. I think I have more than enough reasons for a big ole ski trip this winter.
My mind travels to that street corner more than I’d like to admit. But God has been pulling me back quicker and quicker to His truth. The trick..we need our daily time with Him. I have realized how important that is. The more present we allow Him to be in our life the quicker we will say what Bev shared (which I love!!) — Get lost creep! Beautiful and encouraging post, as always, Kristen! Keep on writing!! I’m looking forward to reading your ebook and being a part of the (in)courage Military Wives FB page. Super excited!! Much love to you.
I can’t WAIT to see you this weekend. That is all.
God is wonderful in this case you mention.How often does He say to us” I like love you just the way you are.” How often do we say that to our young children “I love you just the way you are.”
Measuring up is about the world and performance. I will tell you a little family story now that I have this in my life again my family and grandchildren.All last year my first year so excited here and reunited with them I had to fight to see them! Can you believe it to see my grandchildren after moving 1500 miles and thousands of dollars I could of lived on for my mother and me. Constantly saying I want to see my grandkids and in my home at least once a week since I was injured in pain and no car!Just so I could be part of my growing grandchildren’s lives and have this little story to share.This was my grandson’s first year in school and full days too with 2 working parents.A first is was exciting for gram and him alot of our firsts me adjusting here and him in new routines with full days in his in school with his sister 4 years older.Little did I know till near the end of the school year after a combined fathers day and my birthday. They did not like coming to grams they liked it at there other gramas and with a papa and cousins there too!It did not come out in frustrations or emotions or battles till time went on. I was just happy to hve them bending over any way I could even buying food by foot in pain making meals they liked and toys and movies to set a bedroom for them. Gram gave up alot to come here friends church even my own mum their great grandmother but it was all worth it I felt because I was gaining so much more and better.How muuch more did Jesus and the Father God give up for us! eh? You cannot measure that?But as unchristian raised children they did not understand all that and I was not allowed to speak of Christ to them.We even had the help of their Auntie with gram in my new place to play football outside go to the shore and playground.Still little did I realize they were going home complaining and unhappy.I thought my grandsons upset tantrims when dad left were becuz of long new school days struggles with his sisters and extra curricular activities.I thought I was helping mum and dad plus relieving the other grandparents.I thought I was creating a bond the best I could new here with especially my grandchildren.Litle did I let little remarks from my 4 year grandson saying my yard was not as big as Papas or my food was not as good picked fresh as the other grammas or how they could run from house to house freely that my cul de sac friendly neighbourhood home street was not good enough.He would adjust in time as I was hapy to.Because I knew in my heart God liked me just the way I was because His word said my child I do not compare.There is NO comparison even for mature gramas with wisdom.So when the shool year ended little did I think our visits would with a major accusation I isolated my grandson to be alone and seperated him from his sister to make a fathers day card? OMG I worked with kids in 15 years children’s ministry and 26 in education.I knew right away these were false accusations here because of reasons that only had to do with the enemy things matters of the world deception to measure up or defeat us like Joseph or Daniel who were not good enough for their family or coworkers.I knew once again I had been thrown into the pit when I was told I could no longer see my grandchildren alone for the rest of the summer and even now again recently.As their Auntie was told too not to be with them at all even with me.Because Mum was tired after work struggling with their defiant arguementative behavior after being at my place with us.Now in order to see them I have to drive to their home and still ask. They continue to go see their other grandparents 2-3 times a week or with mum and dad shopping even though it is close to me.And I am told their Auntie cannot see them at all:)I could continue to compare and even said I cannot compete with the other grandparents.But my wisdom in Christ told me this is the work of the enemy and I defeated Him already. Yes you can cry complain and wail tears even be offended and angry.But my love is greater and that is the peace I give you and this is what these babies may see is better even though you are seperated from them for a time and I know this hurts.Just as I was seperated from you for a time and returned to only go again.My child I love you and greater love is this.This is what they do not see. Yesterday auntie spoke with my grandson and I heard the confidence of his voice as he remarked he could now use the monkey bars with no problem he can climb and swing from them just fine.And though I live here closer than 1500 miles to be able to see and speak to him in person.That gave me Joy. And for us his auntie and I to hear his voice when we were so near.Isnt that what our blessed saviour says “It is good enough child and I am right here.”Even though the house is empty with their presence again and here sit all the toys unused just for them and books family photos mementos were sent and I brought from the family to share.We have been shunned and alienated once again it feels like the seperation disposal from my spouse for another secret friend a woman and her family.But never ever did I not feel I was not good enough I just missed my family and that life I was robbed of. And “He said here I am.” Al I aant to say is “It is not good enough.” and I do not want to be hurt because I love family so much. Not everyone thinks the same I can hear this young family of mine say. Agape Wave ml
I can relate — my only grandson just had his first birthday. My son-in-law has turned my only daughter against me, and I have to make all the effort to maintain any relationship. I have been accused of untrue things, and have to be very careful of what I say, for fear of my words being twisted. God is my hope, and my daughter and son-in-law both claim to be believers. I keep asking God to speak the truth to their hearts.
May God work in our families, and reveal the truth, and vindicate us eventually.
Me too Kristen, me too. Love your heart and love the way you always let us see the real you- you’re a gift, friend. I’m holding up your arms over here in NC. Keep going.