These dang dark wood floors, they hide nothing. Pretty when given attention, which I haven’t done in a month of Sundays. With my toe I make an arc in the dust. Eyeing the buffet and china cabinet, I see the same story with the furniture. We could play tic tac toe on every surface. Around the corner, piles of socks and books teeter precariously on stairs. Behind me, dirty breakfast dishes sit homeless because I still need to empty the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
I sighed a bit dejected and shake my head.
“I need a maid,” I say to myself.
By my own admission there’s no justifying a maid. Not when I’m a stay-at-home mom whose three kids are in school all day. So I’m living in the tension of my reality: I am writing 700-1000 words a day for a project {in addition to this here little blog}. Housekeeping is so far on the back burner, it fell off the stove top entirely. My project isn’t something I’m getting paid for, just something a writing friend and I cooked up. And I’m honestly okay with not getting paid for it. I really shouldn’t be at this stage of the game.
But still, one big question won’t quit running circles in my mind. Am I making the right choice? Should I devote so much time to an activity that so far doesn’t contribute to the family’s finances while ignoring the dirt and the dishes and the daily to-do’s?
I don’t consider this for my current writing project only, but writing in general.
Kids spill through the front door and homework is done, dinners are cooked, stories are read. Nightfall settles in and I’m mighty tired. I look around and wonder why I’m doing what I’m doing when progress is largely invisible and neglect flashes neon everywhere.
I’m reminded of a season a decade ago, a time with young children. After work, my husband would breeze through the front door and offer me a kiss with the words,
“Hey baby! What did you do today?”
And I would stare at him and our messy, chaotic surroundings and reply,
“I have no idea, but I didn’t sit down once.”
Then we’d both turn towards two happy four year olds and a content one year old and smile knowing that is what I did all day long, and it was worth dropping the right balls.
I hear the same message in my heart about this current season. I’m sitting down more than I used to, but the state of my home declares housework is at the bottom of the totem pole. But I believe the state of the hearts of those inside these four walls is well off, including mine.
“I had to write. I had no choice in the matter. It was not up to me to say I would stop, because I could not. It didn’t matter how small or inadequate my talent. If I never had another book published, and it was a real possibility, I still had to go on writing…It’s easy to say you’re a writer when things are going well. When the decision is made in the abyss, then it is quite clear that it is not one’s own decision at all.”
Madeleine L’Engle, A Circle of Quiet
Since I was 7 and writing poems and endless short stories in journals, I’ve felt a pull towards words. And when I’m moved towards something that doesn’t take me away from the most important things, I know it’s from God. So I work away in my blue and silver office or on my wide front porch, trusting that what is done ‘in the abyss’ brings wild glory in the heavenlies. It’s the same for you too, sister. Maybe it’s something like writing or painting or scrapbooking. Or raising babies or volunteering at your kid’s school. You do it because you must move towards the pull. It’s your decision, except not really your decision at all.
And it’s worth dropping all the right balls.
What are you creating in the abyss?
As a stay-at-home Mom for 15 years, I get what you are saying. Now that I am pursuing a career in freelance writing, I get what you are saying even more. After almost a month of no writing, due to a death in the family, and a loss of words, I finally posted on my blog today. Tears came. I said it out loud, ” I love being a writer”. It is who I am and who I was meant to be since I was young. Thank you for the affirmation that the dishes and housework will wait. Words spill of the page and touch lives. To me, this is more important than tidiness. 🙂
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Colleen! Thank you for sharing part of your story here.
You know what I see here? A house that’s very much a home, and children who love their mum even when she hasn’t emptied the dishwasher. I’m grateful that underneath that dust, there are such beautiful things waiting for you. Right, Kristen?
Right.
There’s something to be said, of course, for those to-do’s. But even so, I’m glad that you’re not ignoring your writing…because it sounds like something that fills you. For me, that “something” is songwriting (and prayer, from time to time. I’m thankful for those “high” moments.) When I ignore music, goodness knows the life drains out of me, drop by subtle drop. I think I hear you. So keep reaching for your words, friend. It brings this girl joy to watch your search.
(Also, on a slightly less serious note, you’ve reminded me of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY.)
Oh, that song is the lovely sauce, isn’t it? Thank you for that! And for your encouragement. You’re a dear, Sonika.
This post makes me want to stand up and cheer! I love you so. 🙂
Hearts, hearts, hearts. 🙂
If someone walked in my bedroom right now, I’m afraid they would call Hoarders right away. I have been living with anxiety and panic attacks the past several months that have consumed my energy and my time. I think if I got rid of some of that clutter that maybe my mind would be a little freer. Even my poor blog has suffered…I haven’t shared in months. Thankfully, my 14 year old daughter put it all in perspective when I was so frustrated with myself and the mess one day “Mom, it’s not like the mess is going to eat you”. So, I’m taking this Friday off work in hopes of conquering some of the mess and praying for a little time to be still with the Lord. Maybe I should be still before the Lord first, then conquer the mess…hmmm….
That’s a good word for me too, Christina. Thank you.
And yes…eat that elephant one bite at a time.
I so relate to this. I’ve struggled for most of my adult life to justify putting in time on something that has no immediate, visible returns. :\ Thank you for sharing. (A Circle of Quiet is one of the best books I’ve read in the last few years!)
Isn’t it? It’s like a warm cozy blanket of encouragement. Love, love, love it.
This post encourages me, Kristen, thank you. Move toward the pull…great thought, considering the abyss is my constant state these days. Blessings to you and your beautifully lived-in household!
Blessings to you too, Becky. I cherish you!
What an encouragement this was for me tonight. Thank you so much for sharing. Blessings.
I so agree about those dark hardwood floors!! Love them and hate them! And I’ve discovered that dark cabinets aren’t much better… 🙂
Thanks for sharing. It’s important to remind ourselves that our counters don’t have to be clean for our families to feel loved. And that God knows exactly how He made us and what brings us joy. While for some, it is a clean house, for others it may be writing a great story, and for others painting a great picture. He wants us to use our talents for His Kingdom. Enjoy using yours, and keep writing!
Thank you so much for the uplifting post Kristen! It made me really reflect on the past few weeks, ok months. When a light bulb went off I don’t have to be everything and do everything, just the things that God has called me to do. Wow what an enlightenment and a load lifted from these tired shoulders! Although he calls me to different things on different days, but one thing is for sure he calls me to service of one type or another. Love your writings and inspirations, know that your words are benefiting even if you can’t see it.
WoW…. I feel a little like you just stepped into my heart and wrote all the words for me!!!…. I love it when you do that… Reminds me that I’m not alone in this crazy swirl of heart felt emotion we call life!!! Thanks again for your little reminders!!!
I’m right there with ya’, dirty floors and all. Wondering why I do this thing called writing. Because the choice is mine, and yet the choice is not mine? Yes. That.
Thank you for sharing. I don’t feel so alone now. 🙂
Thank u for this… just what i needed!!!
Beautiful post. You said just what has been on my heart. Writing is still “new” to me, so I’m learning how to balance it all and phew, it’s not easy…yet, it doesn’t feel like work. I wonder though, should I be doing this? Taking this much time?
I don’t have kids but I do feel like some things in my life do fall by the waste side. I spend a lot of time at church. My heart is youth and serving and just vocational ministry in general. I don’t take enough time to do those daily objectives like I feel I should. I do have a pull toward writing as well and investing in the lives of the next generation. I can’t not do that. That brings me such joy and purpose.