Chasing Blue Skies

encouragement for every season of life

  • Home
  • Kristen
  • Blog
  • Books
    • Back Roads to Belonging
    • Girl Meets Change
    • Serving You (for military wives)
  • Subscribe
  • Instagram
  • Archives
  • Free
    • for everyone
    • for military spouses
  • Contact

Am I Going Out of My Way to Be Mean or Kind?

in (In)Courage· Back Roads to Belonging· Family

Right at the tippy top here, I want to let you know that the digital version of Back Roads to Belonging is only $1.99 🎉🎉🎉 Click here to find the book on Kindle and click here to find the book on Nook. This book can be a gift for anyone feeling lost or lonely no matter her life season, but I believe it’s an especially timely gift to yourself or a loved one who may be missing her place and people during the lingering pandemic.(And if you read this book and found it helpful, consider sharing this deal ’round your circles?)

*****

It was the same song, fifty-second verse on that late winter day in 2009: One of my precious cherubs said something to rile up his sibling — to push her buttons and make her holler. Literally. Her response, quite predictably, would only serve to egg him on further. I let it go for little while, knowing that part of good parenting meant not jumping in the middle of every little squabble. Often, these scraps would de-escalate and five minutes later they’d be playing again.

That was not the case here.

Nor had it been the case for a while. More and more frequently, I noticed my older child “stirring the pot” to the point that his sibling’s feelings genuinely got hurt, and I worried about what would be next. I care deeply about the relationships between the people under my roof; I’m not willing to sweep something under the rug and hope it just resolves itself. I prefer to charge right through the tension and deal with the thing before it grows into something worse.

So, on that particular day when all was going haywire, I called the offender into the dining room with me. I told him that we, as a family, must be a safe harbor for every one of its members, and any kind of bullying was unacceptable. He attempted to deflect from his own behavior with a “But! She . . . ” and I put my hand up and told him, “Hey, we’re addressing your behavior right now, not hers.”

To further make my point, I employed an idea I’d read somewhere. Standing all the way up on a dining room chair, I raised my right hand over the tabletop. In that hand, I held a raw egg. Once my child locked his eyes on the egg, I let go of it. The egg dropped, cracked, and its contents splattered from one end of the long oak slab to the other.

Stepping down off the chair, I took a seat and patted the chair next to me, encouraging my child to do the same. “Listen,” I said. “I understand siblings are going to tease and argue, but your words and actions have crossed over into mean spiritedness. If you keep this up, you’re in danger of cracking your sister’s heart like this egg here. Next time you’re tempted to be ugly to her, you imagine her heart as this egg. Think of the consequences of your words beforehand, or suffer your own consequences.”

Now, I won’t pretend that my little talk magically made my kid change his tune. It didn’t. But the object lesson, combined with various consequences dolled out (again and again and again!) and repeated reminders from Scripture did eventually get through to his stubborn heart. Over time, age, maturity, and God’s good work from the inside out have made him a sensitive brother who is a source of love and encouragement to his siblings — and everyone blessed to be in his circle of influence. While he’s imperfect like all of us, he goes out of his way to be kind. Anyone who truly knows him will tell you there isn’t a mean-spirited bone in his body.

Not long ago, I watched an online friend’s IG story where she talked about a remark she received after sharing something previously on a different IG story. To that original story, someone commented along the lines of Didn’t you look at yourself in the mirror today? Fix your hair before turning on the camera! 

Really, it’s appalling that someone actually took the time to spell this out in a comment.

Maybe I’m largely preaching to the choir here, but I think it’s a reminder we could all use from time to time: Our words can empower a heart or give it a pounding. Perhaps we can call out meanness in others, but after examining our own hearts, we call it something else to justify our actions:

I’m just setting them straight. 

That’s just the way of my sarcastic personality!

Here’s a reality check for me as much as anyone: Sarcasm is often just meanness wearing a cute skirt. And we need to stop going out of our way to be mean, plain and simple. 

A while ago, I talked with my counselor, Gwen, about a difficult personal relationship. I asked her how could I know when it was okay to speak the truth in love and when I was only wanting to vent my own frustration. She responded with something so helpful that I’ve thought of it 283 times since that conversation. Gwen replied,

“When you’re not sure whether or not to respond to someone, ask yourself this: Is your response true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” 

Read the rest at my second online home: (in)courage!

Sharing is caring!

0shares
  • Share
  • Tweet

Related

Share7
Tweet
Pin
7 Shares

Filed Under: (In)Courage, Back Roads to Belonging, Family

« Choosing Thoughtfulness over Defensiveness
Get my book or gift it to a friend for only $1.99! »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

On Instagram

This week brought to you by family heart-to-hearts This week brought to you by family heart-to-hearts around the fireplace, tulips on the table, and my first trip of the year to the garden store. ⁠⁠
⁠⁠
Never underestimate the ministry of flowers for you and your family. ⁠⁠
⁠⁠
"Home is never simply a threshold you cross. It is a place you make and a place that might make—or unmake—you. In this halfway space, we would begin to learn the costs of stepping into the role God first gave in a garden: to be, like Adam and Eve, the makers and caretakers of a particular place." ⁠⁠
~Christie Purifoy (@christiepurifoy), in her stellar book Placemaker ⁠⁠
⁠⁠
#backroadstobelonging
Holler if you're a fellow expert at coming up with Holler if you're a fellow expert at coming up with worst-case scenarios and making plans to divert them. ⁠⁠ 📣
⁠⁠
In this particular case, I thought I had foreseen every possible problem. I took measures to ensure the best possible outcome. I’m not talking about anything outlandish or expensive. Rather, I used good ol’ hard work and productivity to take care of things responsibly.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
And then came the turn of events only God saw coming, and all my forethought and “responsible planning” didn’t amount to a hill of beans. I didn't asked for or want this outcome, but it was what I had.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
Yeah, it's easier for me to daily assess the risk of doing something than to lean into trust.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
I write more about this at my second online writing home, @incourage. Visit the link in my profile to read more. 💛
I belong where it will snow in April (and May!), b I belong where it will snow in April (and May!), but where spring always comes, eventually. ⁠⁠
⁠⁠
Where do you belong today?⁠⁠
⁠⁠
#whereIbelongWednesday
Remember my post from a few weeks ago about our fr Remember my post from a few weeks ago about our friend Ryan, a USAF vet, who lost all all feeling and control from mid chest down due to a sudden spinal stroke?⁠⁠
⁠⁠
This is his wife, Rebecca, and she is one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
Sometimes when a change comes that turns our world upside down, God works through others to turn it right side up again.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
This gal has surely been a turn-the-world-right-side-up gal in my life, and now I'd love it if *we* could help do the same for her.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
As Ryan undergoes physical therapy and rehab in the spinal cord unit of the VA hospital in Denver, we would like to help Ryan and Rebecca defray the many costs not covered by insurance following this spinal stroke, such as:⁠⁠
⁠⁠
▫️Outfitting Ryan and Rebecca’s home for needs regarding Ryan’s limited mobility.⁠⁠
▫️An outfitted vehicle that’s wheelchair accessible.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
These needs and several more are on Ryan and Rebecca's own dime, and they cost a shockingly WHOLE LOTTA DIMES. ⁠⁠
⁠⁠
If you're interested in helping with these needs and/or sharing about it with your people, please check out the link to our fundraiser in my profile.⁠⁠☑️
⁠⁠
Swipe to see a pic of Ryan and Rebecca and a pic of the GoFundMe page.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
And on behalf of Ryan and Rebecca, thank you for your continued prayers!⁠⁠❤️
⁠
Follow on Instagram
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2021 Kristen Strong · Site by Design by Insight · Chasing Blue Skies Logo by Aliza Latta