Isn’t it interesting how we dread and look forward to something at the same time? This described me earlier as my man and I drove to the neurosurgeon’s office in downtown Colorado Springs. The last two doctor’s appointments delivered ambiguous news, and in my book ambiguous news is bad news. It raises lots and lots of questions. However, this one was supposed to give us answers, and in my book answers are {in one sense} always good news. Even unfavorable answers win over murky uncertainty. The uncertain middle drives me to distraction.
Later on, the doctor manipulates the plastic model spine while detailing our daughter’s vertebrae injury. His voice is slow and gentle, measured and informative. He talkes surgery, risks, and benefits. Pretty soon, I feel those gray, brackish waters rising. I tap the toe of my tall black boot to a steady beat, desperate not to let the river reach flood stage. I tell myself slow and measured doctor here is just explaining a summertime weather report and inwardly beg the practical side of me to pleeease take over. When my husband notices me swipe my finger across my eyes, he put his arm around my shoulders. And that was it. The mama side of me wins and I give in to the ugly cry.
The nurse behind me snakes her hand in front offering two kleenex. I take them with a weak smile. Then the doctor points us to the x-ray films.
And on those x-ray films, we both see murky gray fade to black and white. Just as plain as day, we see the why, when, and where of our girl’s spinal problem. Yes, surgery is not the news we hoped for. But, wrapped inside the bad news is the good news that treatment is available. Ambiguity hightails it out of there.
I remember this quote I read over the weekend:
When you stop trying to control your life and instead allow your problems to bring you to God in prayer, you shift from worry to watching. –A Praying Life, Paul Miller {via Ruth, The Better Mom}
The Lord is always revealing and saving and proclaiming. Sometimes this fact shows up in jump up and down good news, like twin lines on a pregnancy test. Sometimes it shows up real quiet, like on a difficult but certain x-ray. Either way, it shows up because He shows up. He doesn’t reveal then take a nap or proclaim and then forgot about us. He moves and acts always, even during those dreaded ambiguous uncertain times. Especially then. Every bit of bad news holds good news because He. Is. Always. Good.
Remembering this has me worrying less and watching more.
In your own life, have you been able to unwrap the good news inside the bad?
{Photos unwrapped from the Hawaii years.}
Happily linked up today with Emily’s Tuesdays Unwrapped!
Holley Gerth says
November 29, 2011 at 8:31 amLove you and your beautiful girl, Kristen! Hurting and hoping and praying with you!!
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 9:01 amI love you so much, Holley. Thank you, beautiful!
Stacey says
November 29, 2011 at 8:43 amHe is always good. Love the words “from worrying to watching…”
Sending prayers for your girl and and a hug for her mama!
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 9:02 amThank you, Stacey. You BLESS.
Positively Alene says
November 29, 2011 at 9:33 amBeautifully said. And said to one who needs to hear this morning. I want to shift from worry to watch. I want to see the Lord of lords come through. I was to see HIM. I must wait and watch. Joining up at Tuesdays Unwrapped. Blessings. I’m your newest follower.
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 10:15 amSo lovely to meet you, Alene. Watching right alongside you, Sister!
Amy@ Make Me A Mary says
November 29, 2011 at 10:17 amOh, Kristen. The uncertainty is the hardest when it has to do with our babies. But it’s in these times that He draws us near and shows Himself to us as God Almighty. I know He will do that for you now. Praying with you. Love.
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 11:13 amAin’t that the truth? We definitely feel held through it all. Thank you, Amy!
Amy says
November 29, 2011 at 11:16 amSaying a little prayer for you and your daughter. I know this must be such a difficult time, but I am so thankful that God is there and has this in His hands.
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 10:51 pmThank you so much, Amy. xoxo
Maureen says
November 29, 2011 at 11:17 amA thoughtful, encouraging post. Wrote the quote on an index card and stuck it under the plastic cover on my desk with other inspirational thoughts and quotes. I could do much more watching, much less worrying lately. And, it made me think, watching for what? For the Lord’s hand, the Lord’s signature touch on everything. The ability to see His good through that murky fog of overflowing emotions and intense situations is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing your story, showing us your heart.
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 10:52 pmWatching for the Lord’s signature touch on everything — this is a good word, Maureen. Thank you.
Michele says
November 29, 2011 at 11:26 amSweet one as a veteran of many spinal surgeries before age 13, know I will be praying… Mama it is going to be ok, it really will. Surrounding you with love and prayers… Michele
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 10:53 pmThank you so much, Michele. I *know* you know more than anyone. Thank you for your encouragement! You are a beautiful friend.
Callie Feyen says
November 29, 2011 at 11:36 amI love, “He shows up. He doesn’t reveal then take a nap or proclaim and then forgot about us.” What a comforting promise, and your experience that you shared in the post is proof. I loved reading it, and I love thinking about watching more than worrying. Thank you. (stopping by from Chatting at the Sky)
Kristen says
November 29, 2011 at 10:53 pmSo thankful you stopped by, Callie.
Jamie @ Six Bricks High says
November 29, 2011 at 12:33 pmYes! He does show up and He is good. And sometimes our mama hearts ache in the midst of it all. Praying for you and your sweet girl. Love you, friend.
Kristen says
November 30, 2011 at 9:07 amLove you right back, Jamie. And thank you. *So* much.
Shannon says
November 29, 2011 at 1:42 pmYes, yes. It’s the ambiguity that tears me up. We’ve been through job loss, cancer, money worries, and church problems, and it’s always the same “not knowing” that keeps me stuck. What a wonderful description in the middle of your pain.
Praying that you take hope in the fact that HE KNOWS. He is already in tomorrow and has walked every step between here and there.
Kristen says
December 1, 2011 at 11:48 amYour words are so comforting, Shannon. Carrying with me the image of how He *has* walked every step between here and there for me. Beautiful.
Stefanie Brown says
November 29, 2011 at 5:06 pmVisiting from Chatting at the Sky…
With each word, my heart beat a little faster. As a momma, I tried to put myself there, hearing the news, realizing what was ahead. Although I’m not where you are, please know this sister in Christ will be praying for you and your family as you travel this road.
Tracy Stoffell says
November 29, 2011 at 5:27 pmKristen, I am new to your blog. I will be praying for you, your family. As a mom one of the hardest things is to put our babes in anothers hands. God will guide the surgeons hand and watch over your daughter. I pray God gives you such an amazing peace.
Arianne says
November 29, 2011 at 5:57 pmYou are so special to me, you are a part of River’s story as much as my story and I can’t help but hurt with you at this trial. Been praying for you deeply, and will continue to. Wrapping you up tonight. xoxo
Kathi says
November 29, 2011 at 6:03 pmI feel the process with you. I am in a similar one myself. Love how you are finding God’s grace in it—-there is a procedure available….that is sometimes hard to do. I start to focus on the fear. But it is truly the only way to sanity for this woman! Bless you
Amy Hunt says
November 29, 2011 at 6:57 pmThose times that seem ambiguous…they draw us to Him. He uses them in such powerful ways to help us See Him–to strengthen our Trusting muscles.
Praying you peace and Trust, and your daughter restored health.
Amy Sullivan says
November 29, 2011 at 7:40 pmKristen,
Praying for your sweet girl (and you).
Do I unwrap the good news inside of bad? No. I struggle to do this. I struggle to see beyond the bad news, but I know usually if I dig deeply or wait a few weeks, months, or even years, the good pops it’s little head out.
Thanks for the post and sharing a bit of your life.
kendal says
November 29, 2011 at 8:00 pmi love this line, “He doesn’t reveal then take a nap or proclaim and then forgot about us.” and i needed it today.a s we face a very uncertain future with my mom – i tend to focus on the growing sense of impendng doom. but then i click here and read this and realize that there is power higher than all this. praying for you and your family.
Lisa-Jo @thegypsymama says
November 29, 2011 at 10:14 pmGirl, that is really hard news for any mama to process. We’ll be with you – praying you through. So much love.
Joy says
November 30, 2011 at 7:55 pmLove you sweetie. Hugs and lots of prayers coming at ya from Indo. I love your sweet, sensitive heart and your choosing to trust and walk in His strength in the midst of difficulty. You are so dear.
Becky K says
November 30, 2011 at 10:58 pmJust tonight, I logged onto Facebook and read of several kids in my friend circle who’ve been struck with a nasty virus, high fevers, the stuff moms dread. And my heart went directly to its fearful place. How can I protect my babies? Where is that bubble I’ve been meaning to hide us in? Thank you for reminding me that God is always with us, in the good news, bad news, gray news – and he is everywhere we cannot be, sovereign over everything we cannot fix, knowing everything that we do not. I’m praying for your daughter – and for the surgeon. God guide those hands!
Mandy says
December 2, 2011 at 1:33 pmOh my dear! I’m so sorry to be late reading about all this… and so sorry for this new trial for your family! How my mama heart hurts with you! I will definitely be praying for you and for your sweet girl!! Sending big hugs and much love!