The sky is full of purple mountain’s majesty at the Sky Sox baseball game. It’s “Army Appreciation Night,” and our friend picked up tickets for our family, the Air Force rebels. The evening is filled with what you’d expect: anthem-singing and ball-playing well into the deep blue, fireworks-splayed night. All is well until someone rains on our star spangled parade by stealing my son’s wallet right out of his back pocket.
He keeps a stiff upper lip in spite of his well deserved disappointment. Thankfully no cash was lost – only his military ID and debit card – and we were able to replace the ID as well as put a stop on the debit card before any money disappeared.
But that got me to thinking how for all folks in all circumstances, misplaced words can give bad note endings to an otherwise glorious song. Sometimes a poor choice of words reaches the ears of the military wife, and they steal the high notes right out of our tune.
Or the wallet right out of our back pocket.
I think most people in this country support our military and appreciate their dedication to duty as well as their brave commitment to keep our country – and the cornucopia of people inside it – safe and sound. But sometimes the words people choose to share don’t sound particularly supportive. I’m often asked how folks can be supportive of military families, and I’ve written about that here. Below is just another way of answering the same question.
6 Things to Say that Won’t Encourage Military Wives {and yes…I’ve heard ’em all}
1. “Let me know if I can do anything for you.” The truth is she probably won’t. Right or wrong, we military wives want to save asking for help for the real emergencies, so we often try to handle the everyday concerns and dilemmas on our own. Also, we worry we’ll put you out if we do ask you for help. A different way of asking the same thing would be to include something more specific in question form, like “Can I bring dinner over for you tomorrow?” Or “Want me to take the kids for an afternoon playdate?”
2. “You’re husband is coming home already? Wow, that went by fast!” Well, it may have passed quickly for you, but the military wife feels every hour her spouse is gone. Even if her mind travels beyond tearful reunions to reintegration worries, her time of being on her own and/or single parenting never passes quickly. Saying something along the lines of “I’m so glad he’s coming home!” is a better choice.
3. “Must be nice not to have to pay taxes and have all those free benefits.” First of all, we pay taxes like everyone else – the only exception is while the active duty member is deployed overseas. During that time, his income is tax-exempt. I suppose you could call that a perk, but not worth the trade off. Also, many military members (i.e. engineers and pilots) do their jobs in the military for a fraction of the pay earned by their civilian counterparts. So while military members and their families enjoy – and are very grateful – for small discounts offered by local businesses, they don’t really compensate for the pay deficit. And yes, military members and their families do receive free medical care, which is a wonderful, beautiful thing. But Tricare is ranked the lowest of any insurance plan, and the fact is many doctors don’t accept it. (But we are beyond thankful for those who do!)
4. “When is he getting out?” This one is admittedly more humorous than discouraging. When someone asks me this, I want to remind them hey, it’s the military, not prison. Our spouses serve voluntarily. But to answer the question in general terms, most retire or “get out” after 20 years service and move on to a second career if they don’t separate from their branch of service earlier.
5. “I wish my husband would go on a trip. I could use a break.” I know convention dictates married folks sometimes need a little “absence makes the heart grow fonder” time apart. But for a hundred reasons, it’s never wise – or in good taste – to say this to the military wife.
6. “How long will you be here?” Usually the person asking this wants to know how long my family will be living in a particular location. But it always sounds like the person saying it is sizing me up, wondering if our short-term presence there makes me worth the time investment. A kinder, gentler approach would be to just leave this alone until you’ve gotten to know the military wife a bit more.
Most of these statements and questions {as well as others} aren’t said with ill intent, and most military wives I know don’t get too cranky over the ones that are. But sometimes it’s just good to be aware of how our words come across to the listener, and how we might use them to best encourage all those in our circle of influence.
What would you add to the list?
And if you’re a military wife looking for additional encouragement, check out this book written just for you.
I came from a military family. My mothers father and her step father were both killed while on active duty. My father retired USAF after 30+ years. Maybe that’s why I have fit into being a Traveler’s Wife better than most. Numbers 1, 2, and 5 bring tears to my eyes. I’ve been there as a child, now I’m there as a wife. Sometimes, the conversation fillers, like these, just plain hurt. I don’t want a pity party (although there are days I am overwhelmed and I do cry). And it is so hard to explain to others that I AM truly thankful that my husband is stateside…but that we see each other 10 days or less every year, and we are starting our seventh year of this lifestyle soon. And yes, it’s hard, but the end justifies the means. And honestly, there are some days, I wish he was military….I remember my father home between deployments. I remember having support and people like us on the base. My daughter doesn’t know even that luxury.
Thank you for writing this. I’m new to the blogging thing….but as soon as I can figure out how this pingback works, I would really like to link your post on my page. So many Traveler’s Wives say the closest thing they can find to someone who understands the lifestyle is military. And it’s true. We all just want to know there is someone ‘like us’ out there.
JuliAnne, I’m thankful parts of this rang true for you, too, and I’m grateful you shared part of your story and struggles here today. God bless and keep you!
I strongly dislike when people ask me “how do you do it?” Meaning, “how do you stay a military wife?” Well let’s see. I wake up every day and thank God for my calling to be a military wife. Then I pray for him to guide my husband in his career in a way that pleases The Lord. Then I hop on Skype hoping my overseas man is on too. Sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t. Then I take a deep breath and go about my day. I take care of the kids. Do some more breathing and tuck myself in at night. Then I wake up and do it all over again. See? Just like everyone else, I “do it” because I love my husband!
Yes…we do it not just one day at a time but one breath at a time. Thank you, Laura.
That goes along with my biggest pet peeve comment:” you are so strong. I just couldn’t do what you do!” I usually say, “yes, you could. You do what you have to do. The thing you get to decide is what attitude you are going to have about it while you do it!” Maybe that is what comes across as strength…a good attitude. But to me this comment implies that the lifestyle is so easy for me because I am “strong. ” no. It isn’t easy. I just do what is required of me – just like everyone does (or should) when faced with a challenge.
I am so sorry for your son losing his wallet Kristen – I really am furious! I support and pray for our servicemen and women around the world and hold them with great respect – and that really got my ire up! We support the 173d Fighter Wing -Kingsley Field here in Klamath Falls, OR. Our Republican Women send out ‘we care’ boxes to those deployed at least 4 times a year, and we are in constant contact with many pilots and the Air Guard, who also live and work in our community. It’s an honor to serve such great men and women.
Thanks for giving all of us some good ideas of what NOT to say to all those in the military. Blessings on you, your family and all those in the military and their families!
Thank you so much, Susan, for all the ways you love on military folks.
Hi Kristen,
My husband is a chaplain in the Canadian military and I just dropped him off at the Canadian Military College in Toronto where he gets to study for the next 10 months while I stay in Brandon, Manitoba (north of North Dakota) with our 2 girls who are 7 and 10. I am tremendously grateful that he is not deployed to a war zone, but that doesn’t make the separation part any easier. The last time we did this, he left when our youngest was 8 weeks old, but I remember well the experience and all your words ring true. I had an infant and a 3-year-old and it still nearly killed me to admit I could use help. (I finally asked someone to come and put together a shelving unit I had ordered and thought I’d be able to put together when my kids slept–the baby didn’t!) And I have never forgotten that for all the offers of “Call if you need anything…” not a single person asked us over for dinner in the 6 months that he was away. Yes, there were playgroups, and playdates, and the occasional coffee, but nobody offered to feed us the whole time. I have made a point since then to be very deliberate with wives whose husbands are away. “Come for dinner.” or “Do you need any help with your yard?” is much more likely to be greeted with a “Yes, thanks!”
Thanks for sharing this with your readers!
I’m rarely offended by things that unknowing non-military folks say because I remember so well how clueless I was before I met my husband: I believed literally everyone in the Air Force flew or worked on planes. For people who aren’t neck-deep in this lifestyle, many of the nuances are beyond their reach. But one comment has been making me bristle lately and that is, “Wow, your husband is a fighter pilot?! That’s the coolest job ever. That’s my dream job; it must be so much fun, like playing video games all day!”
While he does enjoy flying, there is a lot more that goes into it than hopping in and out of a jet every day–or playing shirtless volleyball and carousing in bars (thanks, Tom Cruise) . His job is incredibly stressful with long hours. He has a whole other very demanding AF “desk job” (as all the pilots do) that he has to balance with his flying schedule. He comes home as wound up and on edge over work woes as most people. I try–gently–to clue folks in when they spout off about how cush his life must be, while also relating how grateful we are to God for His provision of stable employment. I think it’s important to be gracious in these matters. After all, 5 years ago, that kind of comment could have been mine!
A hearty “amen” to everything you said, Jennifer, with a side dish of “me too.”
Thank you for this!
Kristen,
I really found your post helpful as far as things not to say to my friends who are military wives and moms. I’m certain some of these things have inadvertently slipped out of my mouth. Your post has given me a new perspective and hopefully, better words and actions to share with the women who I truly believe are the backbone of this great Nation. Thank you for your tireless service!!
Love you,
Bev
The worst I hear is: “so when are you guys going to start a family.” It comes off as rude on two different levels, first you’re implying my husband and I aren’t a family with just the two of us, second I can’t have kids and even if I could whats to say I want children? The decision to have children is a very personal thing, sorry random person at the checkout.
One of my least favorites is when complete strangers say “Tell your husband we said thank you for his sacrifice.” Inevitably said when I’m standing in the grocery line, completely frazzled, trying to manage a preschooler and a toddler who both desperately need a nap, and are clearly demonstrating that fact to the entire store. I always want to scream at the person, “But what about MY sacrifice?!” I know they mean well, but it always causes me to grit my teeth and politely mumble something like “I will, thank you.”
During the last deployment someone asked if I would go spend Christmas break (I’m a teacher) with him. I wasn’t as annoyed at the question as much as her complete ignorance of life for an infantryman in a combat zone. This is no work trip he’s going on, sorry we won’t do Christmas (or any coming holiday) together. We’re just hopeful he comes home.