My belly reached that point where I almost knocked over a couple supermarket endcaps. Not nearly as swollen as with the twins, but plenty big still. Since every doctor’s visit showed a new problem with my pregnancy, my doctor handed me a prescription for partial bed rest. With her eyebrows raised, stern look, and I-mean-business tone, Mrs. Obstetrician ordered me to sit as much as possible and to never lift heavy things. Basically, partial bed rest is serious enough to know you have to be careful but not so serious you can justify live in help.
The only problem? Two active three year olds and a traveling husband are not conducive to sitting without lifting. Or sitting period. And with no family nearby, what’s a mama to do?
She prays. So when Mary brought me groceries from the store, I thanked God. When Rebecca grabbed my kids for a playdate, I sighed with relief. And when Elisabeth brought me dinner every Tuesday, I cried. It’s no exaggeration: These gestures and others sewed a safety net that provided enough support to keep my baby girl safe.
At this time, I lived on a military base in sunny, dusty Albuquerque. My friends knew how to help because as fellow military wives, their lives held the same challenges and needs. I didn’t even have to ask for help, they just showed up. But most military folks don’t live on a base, they blend into regular neighborhoods just like yours. And while deployments appear to be winding down, many men and women are still in the thick of things. Even if they aren’t deployed, many military members travel. And if they don’t travel, their families probably don’t have an established support group.
You may look at that military spouse and believe she’s getting along just fine. Sometimes this is accurate, sometimes she’s hanging on by her frazzled fingertips. The truth is this: Most military wives aren’t good at asking for help. Right or wrong, that’s just the way it is. We have on-the-job training in handling things ourselves, and we don’t want to put you out. So, we save our asking for the real emergencies.
Whether your neighborhood holds a brand new military family or one that’s been around a couple years, now is a good time to show them a little love. We military folks never expect these gestures, but we are backflip-and-cartwheel grateful for them when they happen!
{Download a free printable of this.}
1. Ask her over for dinner. Being the only grown-up in a house gets lonely, so hanging with other adults is nice. If your schedule permits, make it routine {i.e. Invite her for dinner every Sunday or coffee every Tuesday}. FYI: she’ll be focusing on your company, not your house.
2. Bring dinner to her house. Even just a casserole she can put in the freezer is so helpful and awesome.
3. Offer her your contact information. Give her permission to call or email you if she needs something.
4. Grocery shop. If you’re making a grocery or Target run, ask her if she needs anything.
5. Take out the trash. If her trash and/or recycle receptacles are outside, take them to the curb for her.
6. Offer to babysit. Be specific. If she knows you well, offer to take her kids with you on a playdate. It doesn’t have to be for long. Just having an hour or two to exhale on her own feels like a Christmas miracle.
7. Bring over a plate of cookies. Attach a note with the names of your family members and contact information. The baked goods don’t have to be homemade. {Sometimes I buy these instead.} She is just moved by the gesture.
8. Help with home improvement. Many spouses have the urge to do house projects while on the home front. So much of the military lifestyle is out of their control, so home improvement projects help them feel in control. Help her paint a room or pick out curtains. {I picked up a drill for the first time and helped a friend with a deployed husband install bathroom tile.} Even something as simple as helping her pick up/change lightbulbs is appreciated.
9. Swap movies, books, and magazines. Let her borrow your Netflix movies and return them for you.
10. Bring her a Starbucks treat just because. It’s more about showing up and checking in than about the treat.
11. Send her a card. It’s easy for military spouses to feel ignored, so this always makes her day. Also, DaySpring has some lovely e-card options.
12. Invite her to participate in things. Even if she can’t make it the first few times, don’t quit asking.
13. Refer her to your people. If you have a hair dresser or a dentist you like, ask her if she would like their name(s). My neighbors are often the best source for where to go to get what done.
14. Give her the gift of green. Potted flowers in the summer, stems from the grocery in the winter. They brighten her home and her mood.
15. Encourage her. Look for something specific she’s doing well and brag on her to her face.
16. Give her yard a helping hand. Mow or edge her lawn.
17. Remember her birthday. Surprise her with a card or a piece of cake.
18. Remember her on holidays. Give her a card for Mother’s Day. Invite her over for Thanksgiving dinner.
19. Follow through. If you tell her you’ll do something for her, be a woman of your word.
20. Pray for her strength, her marriage, her kids. It is the least and the most you can do.
You are so very wise, my friend. You know, this list would be great for ministry spouses, too.
Yes ~ for ministry spouses too! Perfect.
I was thinking the same thing!
Kristen, I love this post. So practical. When we moved into our military community 7 years ago, I had been clueless about the distinct needs of military families. But over the years, I’ve grown to love and admire so many military wives and God has opened numerous doors for me to minister to them. I’m printing off this list and sharing it with the women in my Bible study classes tomorrow. Being a military town, most of us are pretty sensitive to the plight of military families by now, but your list is so practical and doable. I think they will welcome the concrete advice. Thanks!
I’m so happy to hear that, Kay. Thank you so much for your willingness to serve these ladies. You are beautiful!
Awesome list… one that could actually be applied to many situations! Thanks so much for sharing. Beautiful post!
Thank you, Jennifer. xoxo
Great list. Inspired me to make a new pinterest board: love thy neighbor.
love to you, friend!
Love thy neighbor for a pinterest board: Now I’m inspired!
This is a wonderful list! Every item on this list is something I would definitely love (and sometimes receive) – especially when my husband is deployed. The only thing I would add is (especially during our most recent deployment), call/stop by and ask the hard questions and be willing to listen while she vents or cries. This would have been SO beneficial for me last time. I felt like, since no one in my immediate circle of friends truly understood what we were going through, (though they were helpful and giving in MANY other areas) they weren’t willing to *really* listen to the answer to “how are you?” I just wanted to not have to cry alone.
YES, Laura. Safe people who aren’t scared off by tears. Who give you permission to let ’em flow. Who are up to hearing something other than, “I’m fine.” Thank you for sharing, Laura.
Wonderful list. Just wonderful. I also have to agree with the comment that minister’s families can benefit from these as well {since I’m one of those odd gals who is both a minister’s wife and a military wife, I know both worlds).
Girl, I can only imagine. Your mansion in heaven will surely be extra large. 🙂 Love you, Pattie. Thank you for *all* you do.
That pie…it’s so beautiful! Just like your heart, friend. Truly.
How beautiful, I loved this post. During my last pregnancy, friends saved me while my husband was deployed as well. God’s provision was increadible.
LOVED this. My neighbors were lifesavers when my husband deployed leaving me in Germany with a 6 day old and a 2 1/1 year old. The way they served and cared for me was transformational and helped me gain new insight into how to meet the needs of others creatively! 20 years later I cannot thank God enough for their gift!
Love this!! Being an Army wife, I particularly appreciated how so many of your suggestions took into account the fact that some of us don’t like to try to overbook ourselves and “keep busy” while our husbands are deployed. I prefer to hole up and nuzzle in my home and work on projects, and a lot of your suggestions are applicable to wives like me, who seem to be in the minority. (People are always saying, “Be sure to get out of the house and keep yourself busy,” but that stresses me out even more.) I’m posting a link back to this post on my blog b/c I love your post. Thanks for writing it!!! 🙂
I’m the mother of a new military bride. I pray someone is welcoming her into this new community with some of the thoughtful ideas you describe here. 21, newly wed to new soldier, first time far from “home,” looking for a church home, needs a job…Much for a momma to pray over.
Oh Gwen! I will be praying for them too. 23 years ago I was a brand new 20 year old military bride who moved far away from my family. I know my Mom’s prayers for me were what sustained me! She passed away a few years ago and I miss knowing that my “prayer warrior” was on her knees for me.
I’d like to add that some of this is also true for firefighter’s wives. I had a wonderful neighbor who would put the garbage out for me when my husband was at work and a friend who would just show up with a fresh baked scone, even planning a girls night in when my hubby was pulling an extra shift was wonderful!!
As the wife of a call firefighter, so true! I so grateful for the girls in my life who make girls’ night happen when he is in training. I know it will be a bigger challenge when we have children one day…not looking forward to the loneliness and interrupted plans then.
Krista? When those beautiful babies come, maybe you’ll do what I did: Find other mamas in the same boat and make plans together.
Thank you, Krista and Alissa, for being the strong, lovely women you are. And tell your men thank you for his service for me, if you don’t mind? After the summer my town had with wildfires, I appreciate firefighters now more than ever.
Gosh, this would work for single moms, and ministry wives, and missionaries, and new to the neighborhood wives, and far from home new wives… just about any wife might appreciate many of your suggestions!!!
Right on, Julie! I’m starting to see how my original vision was perhaps a bit narrow? But then again, I am a military life, so that is the lens through which I often see things {smile}. And like Krista said above, the same ideas go for firefighters, too. And probably just about everyone.
Thank you for lending your voice to the conversation, Julie. I appreciate you!
Okay, I am chuckling at the thought of using a screwdriver to install tile… LOL
Seriously, though, I think this is true for so many women. I have been married for 6 years, having moved from all that I know and love. However, I work outside the home, and still have few attachments, and I’m not military or ministry or any other, except that hubs works about 80 hours/wk. I ty to reach out to single mamas, and there is one who would never accept charity, but often finds a bag of groceries on her doorstep (my stepdaughter told me that sometimes they didn’t even have bread). We don’t have alot of military families in our area, but this is a great reminder to reach out to women everywhere and remind them that they are not alone. Thanks for this beautiful post! 😉
This was beautiful, and shows the true spirit behind being a good neighbor. I was just reflecting on this yesterday, and saw the link to this post this morning! Thank you for this. I’m still new to blogging, but I’ve attempted to include a link to my blog if you would like to check it out…
http://tondradenise.blogspot.com/2012/08/surrounded-by-neighbors.html
God uses neighbors to show us how much HE cares!
This is spot on! I have been through deployment after deployment and this last one with a 2-week-old and 5 more little ones. I can barely remember… but, this was the one that my neighbors and church family really noticed. And they checked off much of your list. It made all the difference. They and God’s grace. Thanks for posting this. We are the ones who really don’t like to ask for help (emergencies only), but love the help when we get it.
I was a military wife for 10 years and for the several years my hubby has been out of the service he has traveled much. I so loved in our military days on base how we were all there for each other and have long felt the body of Christ needs to learn from that. Four years ago we once again moved (job transfer) and relocated 1500 miles from family. My hubby’s job still requires travels. In fact this week he is gone on a business trip while i am home alone sick with head and asthma. My nest is empty but with chronic illness and many weeks where I miss church or other activities, I am blessed immeasurably by my friends from church who call, text or drop by on me, offer to pick me things up at the store etc. I think the things in your list can be applied to people in many walks of life who just need to feel somebody else is loving them as Christ commanded we love our neighbors as ourselves. I have a close friend with a husband who has a terminal illness and know many of the things you and others here have listed have blessed her. For her especially when ask how she is doing and let her get gut honest, vent or shed tears as needed. So lets keep on loving our neighbors!
Fab, fab list.