I’m gonna shoot straight with you: Today, the day after our presidential election in the United States, is one my least favorite days — no matter who wins.
On this day every four years, I’m on social media minimally because, as one with friends and family who fall on all points of the political spectrum, half the people I know are despondent or mad-as-you-know-what while everyone else is throwing an absolute party.
In reality, I know there’s a large number of folks who aren’t “all in” with their candidate; they’re not so much voting forsomeone as against someone else. But still, as an enneagram 2 who absorbs tension like my hair absorbs humidity, the dichotomy between the more passionate people fills me with anxiety. I want to curl up in a ball, hide under my bed, and not come out for six months or so.
But because I’m an actual grownup with actual responsibilities, including the luck-of-the-draw that is having an article up today, there will be no such hiding!
If I don’t enjoy being around tension, as I’ve already said, you’ll be 0% surprised that I don’t want to add to it, either. In particular, I don’t want the important relationships in my life to suffer because I sit on the opposite side of the preverbal fence with a loved one or ten.
As a gal who’s not afraid to feel my feelings, I admit there have been times I’ve felt triggered because of another person’s strong views that opposed my own, especially if those views concerned a topic I care deeply about. But the older I get, the more my bandwidth for engaging with potentially contentious people shrinks. I won’t do it over social media, period, because too much is lost in translation through that incomplete way of communicating.
In person, I’ll only do so with those I trust to engage with me respectfully and productively – -whether we think alike or not. Otherwise, no thank you.
But not everyone feels the same way.
So herein lies my question: How do you maintain a relationship with your loved one when you don’t share the same views—and their views keep coming up in the conversation? And therefore your relationship?
If you’re both levelheaded, perhaps you can discuss your differences calmly and reasonably. Thankfully, I have several friends with whom this is possible. But if someone gets bent out of shape because of an opposing viewpoint, the tension can take off faster than a prairie fire with a tailwind.
In light of that, here are three principles and practices that help me avoid letting opposing viewpoints come between me and my friends or family members:
Badgering the cat is a choice: Ivy is our kitty cat, and her mere existence just sticks in the craw of our dog, Rafa. Rafa simply refuses to rest when Ivy is in his vicinity. He stares at her. He follows her. He gets all up in her business. Eventually, he gets close enough to Ivy that she hisses or swipes at him, and then he dramatically shrinks back with offense.
As all of this unfolds, I say things like, “Rafa, leave Ivy alone. Rafa, mind your own business. RAFA, YOU CAN CHOOSE NOT TO BADGER THE CAT.” Every time, Rafa chooses to badger the cat.
But with wisdom and maturity, we can choose differently. If we take offense over a friend’s position, we don’t have to act on that offense. When we realize that keeping our opinions to ourselves doesn’t invalidate those opinions, we can relax rather than react.
Visit my second online writing home to read the rest of “The Election May Have Ended, But May Our Important Relationships Move Onward.” And if you’d prefer, listen to the podcast version here.
For more practices and principles from Kristen on how to be a good friend to those you disagree with, visit here.
Remember too that Praying Through Loneliness is available for preorder! Visit here to order AND get your free stuff!
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